A coach I admire and respect (and who has worked with me for several months without ever having seen my face) recently had the opportunity to see a video that I created. She commented on the video and then included this at the end of her email:
(oh and you are so beautiful)
I have received compliments about external beauty during my life, especially pre-weight gain.
It was troubling.
I realized recently that the conflict
was due to the fact that I didn’t feel beautiful on the inside.
I actually had something that many people want, yet I FELT bad.I did not feel beautiful.I felt ugly.
Through this work
, I now understand that when someone would express that they thought I was pretty, I would tell myself this:
“I may be pretty, but I don’t FEEL pretty. Maybe I am on the outside, but not REALLY pretty. Not TRUE pretty. Not pretty on the INSIDE. You’re giving me attention for and being impressed by something I can’t even take credit for. And where it really counts – on the inside – is where I am lacking, is where I am not pretty.”
It was almost a cross to bear, my external features. Had I not been so endowed on the outside – which had nothing to do with me and everything to do with a spontaneous combining of genes – I would not have had those ongoing reminders of the discrepancy between what others felt about my exterior and what I felt about my interior, especially because in this society external beauty is so revered.
I remember reaching a certain (older-) age and a certain (over-) weight and feeling relieved
that the attention would now abate.
No more compliments.
Without them, it was easier to ignore how ugly I felt.
And now, through this work, I realize that I AM pretty on the inside.Beautiful. Truly.
And I believe it.
I feel beautiful. . . .on the inside. Where it counts.
Beautiful at last. Beautiful at last.
Thank God Almighty, I am beautiful at last.
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