There is a popular notion that associates the quintessential expression of Unconditional Love with A Mother’s Love.
On this Wednesday after Mother’s Day, some of you reading this may have felt you received Unconditional Love from your mother – while others not so much.
The idea of being bestowed with free flowing, ever present Unconditional Love (by a mother, lover, friend or other) holds the promise of allowing us to believe:
- I am lovable – no matter what.
- I am acceptable – no matter what.
- I belong – no matter what.
- Who I Am is worthy – no matter what.
- There is no condition under which I will be rejected (by this person bestowing the love).
Author Byron Katie says, “When I walk into a room of people, I think: They love me. They just don’t know it yet.”
In stark contrast, when I would get ready to walk into a room of new people, it was usually with dread because I believed, “They’re not going to love me. They just don’t know it yet.”
I was always braced.
In fact, early in our relationship my beloved man drew a picture of me with a padlock over my heart and the word “GUARDED” across my chest.
I bristled at the thought of parties and other social situations. I much preferred isolation so I could try to avoid the eventual let down I predicted once people saw the real, awful me.
When I couldn’t avoid people, like at work, there was a low-grade sense of uneasiness, of bracing and dread while I waited for the other shoe to drop. Sure you may love something about me today (like my performance as an employee), but your opinion of me is subject to change – rapidly.
I was sure that eventually I would fall out of favor – for one reason or another.
The worst times were when I was introduced to someone who had heard good things about me (usually from my beloved who likes to shower me with Unconditional Love…and rave about me. I know – things could be worse, right – but…).
Talk about dread.
Here’s how I saw it: The higher the expectation…the further the inevitable fall.
And here is what I learned…
A man loving me is no substitute for me loving me.
Nor is a mother loving me unconditionally (or any other person) any substitute for me loving me unconditionally.
When we reject ourselves, even if someone showers us with Unconditional Love, our beliefs look more like:
- It doesn’t count. They have to love me. (Often in the case of a parent, family member or spouse).
- I don’t understand how he/she could love me.
- If they only knew ________, they wouldn’t love me. (Insert dark secret or worst fear here).
- They only love me because of what I can do for them – not for Who I Am. You can insert anything into the What I Can Do For Them Category such as:
- Look pretty and build social clout as in (Trophy) Wife
- Wash dishes, do laundry and take care of the kids as in Homemaker
- Pull in the All-Star clients and contracts as in Employee
- Be dutiful and compliant as in Daughter
- Lose weight so I can look and be the way They want me to be (Insert any They here)
When we don’t love ourselves, Unconditional Love directed at us cannot stick.
In fact, Unconditional Love will feel bad if it actually triggers our own unconscious beliefs as outlined above.
Believe me. I know.
The friction between the way my beloved felt about me and the way I felt about me was almost intolerable.
In the early years of our relationship, I asked him many times to compile lists and convince me of the reasons why he loved me because it simply did not compute in my brain. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve it.
I wanted a tally.
Some kind of “2 + 2 = CJ Now Qualifies for Unconditional Love Equation”.
Others may offer you love. In fact, millions may offer it. Just ask Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson.
But it really doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about you – but how you feel about you.
When there are no conditions (and no clothing sizes and no amount of criticism from your mother) under which you will reject yourself, you give yourself Unconditional Love.
Whether “he, she or they” give you Unconditional Love is not what matters.
Whether you do does.
The Daughter’s Path – Freedom from Friction
I have experienced such profound relief in my relationship with my mother, and guess what?
She didn’t have to change.
If you have had a relationship with your mother (alive or deceased) that has been fraught with friction and you find your way to emotional freedom in that relationship, let me tell you – that is a transferrable skill and you will be one crazy amazing ninja woman.
That is what is possible.
Come to my complimentary tele class: The Daughter’s Path – Freedom from Friction
I will be teaching valuable techniques for you to create more peace with regard to your relationship with your mother.
Date: Saturday, May 24 at 10am PST. If you want to receive class details and updates about future classes, hop on my list here.
Learn more about CJ Blaquera, master weight loss coach for women.